if

by wiggly jones, "the little hippie boy"

if my cat was a space ship i would get in her and fly to mars if donald trump was a chicken salad sandwich i would take him to the park and eat him with a bag of chips and an orange nehi if it stops raining and the sun comes out it will be a nice day if i was a hammer i would smile at a nail if i had a hammer i would go on amazon and buy a book, 1000 things to do with a hammer if the governor of oregon was a tennis ball, he might get left out in the rain if everybody had all the answers what fun would that be? if the street i am walking down was a bowl of strawberry jello my progress would be slow if everybody was nice wouldn’t that be nice? if everybody lived for a million years they might sing a happy song - at least once in a while if bob was my uncle i would send him a card every christmas if betty was my aunt i would tell her i liked her peanut butter brownies even if i really didn’t if sally was my sister i would applaud her efforts on behalf of women and other neglected creatures if chuck was my wagon i would ask cookie for extra syrup on my flapjacks if i could meet just one person who had ever lived it would be marcia ferguson, a mother of fifteen who lived in mecklenburg ohio back in the day if i could go back in time to see just one event it would be fireman ken wilson getting pearl mason’s cat jenny out of the big elm tree in front of city hall in sparta nebraska on july 9, 1954 if everything that ever happened happened all at once how do you know it isn’t? if i told you the secrets of the universe would you believe me? if you give me $10,000 - that is not much these days - i will be your friend